How to Talk to a Woman Without Saying, "Great Boots!": A Guide for Women

She worries that her daughter will internalize this aesthetic focus: "If family, friends, shop assistants, complete strangers,I would advise that you don't do this for tons of micro-topics, of course, so don't go crazy creating a gazillion pages where the content could be condensed into one superhero costumes or just a few pages. and even Santa only remark on how girls look…how can we expect girls to believe that they have anything more to offer the world than their beauty?"That is an excellent question. How very true that the universal first step to building rapport with young girls is complimenting their looks. And how very true that this sends the wrong message, just as the sparkly vapidity of the "pink aisle" tells girls they should be interested in gleamed-up surfaces over substance. It's so obvious, except, reading Edwards' cri de coeur,Check the people who've liked the related videos on YouTube and see if they list their social information, for example,spiderman costume and point out your new content to them. I got a sinking feeling, because I'm pretty sure I do this all the time. 

I don't mean that I won't also ask little girls what they're reading or learning in school; or the names of their friends; or whether they like Mom or Dad better. That is always a fun one. But usually, upon meeting a cute female child, my first reflex is to compliment her on some aspect of her appearance—especially her hair accessories, because little girls have the best hair accessories. I've done it with my young cousins, who are brilliant musicians and athletes and scholars. I remember older female relatives doing it to me.And some communities have ventured into zentai predictive policing, patrolling an area when an algorithm predicts a crime might happen. Anecdata confirms that this is an easy, socially approved tactic for expressing benevolent interest in a little person you do not yet know—and it is a scourge. 

It is a scourge not just because of what it says to girls about what we value about them, but also because girls absorb this mode of interaction and use it for the rest of their lives. When I meet a new woman and have no idea what to say to her, I often revert to a default mode of perceiving ladies as decorative, and blab up some wan comment, like "great hair!" Part of this is pure lack of imagination. You're casting around. You see boots. They're right in front of you! It's so easy! I like your boots, you cry. But the range of possibilities even for uncreative chitchat is vast; you can absolutely bore the pants off someone without referencing their pants.